What Hurts The Most
by Konsui's Little Brother
Summary: It's been years since the Titans broke up and this story tells how Beast Boy, now known as Garfield Logan, is holding up. A song-fic.


A/N: There isn't much to say about this story except that the idea's been swimming in my mind for a while now. I really like this one.

* * *

_I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house  
That don't bother me  
I can take a few tears now and then and just let 'em out_

He didn't mind being alone when it rained anymore, even the large storms that often swept through Jump City didn't bother him like the used to. The apartment that Gar lived in was small and the rain would pound onto the metal roof, the noise deafening to him, and he would just tune it out.

The noise of rain used to make him cringe, large storms espescially, and now...now they were just another occurance, something else that he'd gotten used to hating because there wasn't anything he could do to stop it.

Crying didn't bother him anymore either. He wasn't overly emotional but he wasn't stupid either, if he didn't let the tears come when he was alone then they would come when he didn't want them too.

_I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though  
Goin' on with you gone still upsets me  
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay  
But that's not what gets me_

She had been the one that taught him crying didn't get you anywhere in life, she was also the one that taught him you would lose your mind if you didn't cry someof the time. After all, if he didn't let the tears out every once in a while, he'd end up like...well...he'd end up like Mento and Robin.

She had left him years ago, he couldn't tell you exactly when because he wasn't keeping track of the years, but it still hurt. There were days when everything around Gar would remind him of her. And it hurt.

Then there were the days that Gar had to force himself to get out of his chair and pretend that he was fine, that he wasn't a broken man, that he could get through the day and wouldn't break down the moment he got home. Because he had too. He had to pretend because somedays, somedays that little lie was all that kept him going.

And none of that bothered him either. Just like the noise the rain made he had gotten used to seeing some obscure object, like a bird or a book or even a cup of tea, and being reminded of what he could never have.

_What hurts the most  
Was being so close  
And havin' so much to say  
And watchin' you walk away  
_

He had gotten used to that, to all of that, but he knew that no matter what happened to him, he would never get used to knowing that he had been there the whole time. It hurt worse than any loss that he had ever felt, worse than any injury he had ever recived, worse than any bone he had ever broken.

For years Gar had stood beside her, eaten beside her, fought beside her, he had been so close to her, right there beside her and still...nothing. She lived in the same building as him for all those years, years and years and years, and she had never noticed.

He should have spoken to her. Should have said something, anything, but now it's too late. He would never get the chance to tell her everything that he had thought during those years, everything that he had wanted to tell her, to let her know.

She had turned her back on them, on the whole team, and the rest of the Titans had just followed her leave. Sure they had all been hurt that day, when she first told them that she was quiting the team and moving out of the tower, but they had all gotten over it quickly. Gar hadn't. And it had hurt so badly when he watched her walk away.

_And never knowin'  
What could've been  
And not seein' that lovin' you  
Is what I was tryin' to do  
_

He hadn't just been a stupid kid. He hadn't thought that he was dumb or blind or whatever else you want to call it. Thinking back on the years he spent with her, Gar still couldn't tell you if he was the blind one or if she was.

Gar would have brought the world to a stand still if she asked him to. He would have taken Trigon on single-handedly if it would've made her happy, made her see him and not the goofy child that she thought he was. He would have made her the happiest person out there is she had stopped and listened to him.

Blind. They had both been so blind. Gar blind to the fact that no matter how much he tried, no matter what he did or said to her, she would never love him. She was blind to just how devoted he was to her, she didn't see that he would take on the world for her, that he loved her more than anything else in the world.

Gar spent years trying to show her that she could laugh and smile, that she didn't have to worry about losing conroll because he would bring her back, that she had someone that would love her no matter what she did or said. He had tried to show her that he loved her and would always love her. And she left him.

_It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go  
But I'm doin' it  
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone  
Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret  
But I know if I could do it over  
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart  
That I left unspoken_

It didn't matter that years had passed since Gar last saw her, he still remembered her every day. Those black-birds lined up on the power lines, that sale on green-tea, that thick book of stories by Edgar Allen Poe, every where that he looked he saw her and it hurt.

But he'd live with it. It wasn't something that would knock him down or throw him about. He was living with it and he would keep living with it because there wasn't anything that he could do to change it.

Out of all the Titans, besides her, Gar was the only one that was still single. Robin and Starfire, Cyborg and Bumblebee, they had been over to his place a few times. They had been happy together. Gar had had the hardest time keeping a smile on his face when they were there, and an even harder time when he went over to their houses.

It was hard on those days, when he knew he would see his old friends and he knew that they would mention her, it was hard for him to get up out of that bed and actually move. He would always have that regret, that unspoken anger, hanging over his head because he had waited and when he finally thought that she was ready to listen to him, she left.

There was no chance that he could ever go back, no chance that he could ever change how everything turned out, and no chance that he could do anything over. It was a shame really, because Gar already knew what he would do.

He'd never spoken any of them, not even to his best friend Cyborg, but Gar meant everything that he had thought. And he would trade all of those thoughts to have one more chance to tell her even one of the things he had kept hidden, just one and he would be happy. Ecstatic even.

'I love you', 'I don't want to leave you', 'I want you to trust me', all of that and more. And he had never said a single word of it. He should have though, and he knows that, but he just couldn't bring himself to tell her. He couldn't bring himself to hear her say no.

_What hurts the most  
Is being so close  
And havin' so much to say  
(Much to say)  
And watchin' you walk away_

Gar could almost say that he had gotten used to being reminded of her where ever he went. Sure it still hurt, it was always going to hurt, but there were things that hurt him far worse than being reminded of her. Things that he couldn't change, at least he couldn't change them if he stayed in Jump City.

There were a few days, thankfully not many, when he would see her on the street. Days when he would pass by the Mall Of Shopping or some other store and he would actually see her, pass by her, look at her. It hurt much more than just a simple reminder.

He's never spoken to her, never said a single word, and yet he had so much to say. He wanted to tell her but...She always looked so happy, so much happier than she had been when he was there.

(He couldn't bring himself to ruin that happyness.)

So he wouldn't say anything, not when she was so happy, he just...Let her walk away. It was something that they both did well, Gar was excellent at watching her leave and she was an expert at walking away.

_And never knowin'  
What could've been  
And not seein' that lovin' you  
Is what I was tryin' to do, oh  
Oh yeah_

Whether he had been the stupid one or she had, Gar won't ever know. He doesn't really care. After all, knowing which of them was blind and stupid won't change things. It won't make her know that he loved her and it wouldn't show him that she would never notice him.

Back then, when he was hopelessly in love with her, he would have thrown himself into battle with just one word. He wouldn't have cared who it was that he had to fight, if it meant her being safe and happy than he would take on anyone. Now he wished there was someone to take on, someone that he could beat the day-lights out on, because he just couldn't stand to sit still any longer.

He had loved her with all of his might and she hadn't cared, hadn't even noticed, that he did. But then, Gar had been pretty blind too. He still was because he just couldn't let go.

So now, as he watched his former team-mate pile into his small house for the party that he really hadn't wanted but couldn't say 'no' to having, Gar couldn't help but scan the crowd for the girl that he could never fully forget. But she was no where to be found.

Maybe it was true what they said, Rachel 'Raven' Roth had broken all ties with the Titans and not even a reunion could bring her back.

_Not seein' that lovin' you  
That's what I was trying to do, ooo  
_


End file.
